Episcopal Jokes

You might be an Episcopalian...

...if you watch Star Wars and when they say "May the force be with you," you automatically reply "And also with you."
...if you recognize your neighbor, or rector, in the local liquor store and go over to greet him/her.
...if you have totally memorized Rite I, Rite II and the first three episodes of The Vicar of Dibley.
...if the sight of a woman in a clerical collar doesn't make you cringe.
...if while looking for a can opener in the church kitchen, all you can find are corkscrews.
...if you catch yourself genuflecting or bowing as you enter a row of seats in a theater.
...if you know the best way to quiet a room full of them: "The Lord be with you!"
...if when visiting a Catholic Church, you are the only "Ah-men" amongst a sea of "A-men"'s.
...if your covered dish for the potluck dinner is escargot in puff shells.
...if you don't think Agnus Dei is a woman.
...if you know how to finish the phrase "and I will raaaaise them up, and I will raaaaise them up..."
...if your priest has ever said during the sermon, "and he's got the whole world in his hands. That means all the nasty people too: tyrants, terrorists, and Rush Limbaugh." And said priest is in his 80s.

How many Episcopalians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A sexton to change the bulb. The rector, assistant rector, deacon, and seminarian to lead the ceremony blessing the new bulb. The church secretary to make up the special bulletin insert with the bulb-blessing ceremony, including congregational responses: "Do you, the people of St. Swithin's, promise to support this bulb in its work on behalf of the church?" "We do!" The choirmaster/organist to write and arrange a special Blessing of the Bulb Anthem: "Phos 100-Watt GE Soft White" and 12 choir members to sing it. An acolyte and two torch-bearers to sit around looking bored and making faces at each other. And 278 people in the pews thinking, "Is this service EVER going to end?"
Following the service, two people will leave the parish and try to find someone who will let them use the Real Light Bulb of their forefathers. Six people will form a Society for the Preservation of the Light Bulb and meet regularly to drink brandy and talk about the first annual Light Bulb Festival.

Definitions for Episcopalians
Bulletin: something to read during the sermon
Choir: a group of people who make lip-syncing possible for the rest of us
Recessional Hymn: the quietest song of an Episcopal service because 2/3's of the congregation has already left.
Ushers: the only people who don't know the seating capacity of the pews

A woman dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter takes her on a tour of heaven. They pass a pit where there were people gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman says, "Who's down there?"

St. Peter says, "Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays."

They walked a little farther and there was another pit with more groaning and wailing, and she says, "O.K., who's down there?"

St. Peter answers, "Those are the Baptists who went to dances."

And a little farther along, there was another pit and people down there gnashing their teeth and crying and ripping their garments, and she says, "And those people?"

And St. Peter says, "Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks."

And finally...

Did you hear about the new liberal Episcopal church?
It has six commandments and four suggestions.